I'm back in the US now. It's 6AM local time as I write this—or 10AM in Wales time. I'm still operating four hours ahead of myself. I fell asleep at 10PM accidentally the past two nights.

Of all the days I'd have to fly to Ireland for a connecting flight, of course it'd be St. Patrick's Day. I didn't intend for that, nor did I even remember the day existed (due to my allergy of sixth- and seventh-generation Americans who still consider themselves Irish). That was fun! Dublin is the only airport in Europe that has something called US preclearance, where you go through the bag scan and "interview" (like a question and a webcam photo) with a border agent before you actually fly off to the US. As a result, when I touched down in New Jersey, all I had to do was grab my bag and get in my mom's car. It was pretty easy breezy.

Less easy breezy has just been being back. I'm alright—in some ways relieved, because I'm not crammed into Caby's bedroom without my setup and all my stuff, but in most other ways, really feeling being gone. Last time was so intense and emotionally overwhelming that I think her and I both felt we could breathe afterwards, which masked the isolating feeling. This time was so much more comfortable and natural that that's all that's noticeable, feeling being gone. All the 2AM giggle fits over awful memes and impressions of Phil Thomas Katt. Meeting her after school and walking into town together to eat and window shop. All the long chats with her family, late trips into the village for booze and snacks and mouthwash and whatever else. That's all stopped for the moment.

I'm mostly glad it happened though. We were much less clingy this time, more like close friends, which meant the lovey snuggly stuff happened so much more naturally. That bodes well. I've been more confident in myself, realizing my needs and limits and and what I need more, which means it's easier to defuse messy situations and just keep myself at ease. That bodes well. I can read Caby better and navigate her stresses better too. That bodes well! Her folks love me to the point of her dad offering to pay for me to fly out next time, in case money was what was keeping me from coming back so soon. That bodes well.

The goal now is to be able to prop up a place together. To do that, I'm gonna need more skilled work. I've decided I think I'd be most interested to do something with networking, so I'm gonna start doing research into that field and into certifications to get something that pays nicer and is less customer-facing than retail. If I play my cards right, I might be able to get into the UK via a work visa, which is better than the marriage visa because you can actually work while you're still being naturalized. Then comes just finding something there, getting a place with Caby, and managing the move. It'll take a lot of money and planning, but we're the people who can pull it off.

Ironically, while we've lengthened our timeframe for all this happening (thanks to there not being the desperation of being together Or Else anymore), it feels so much more within reach. No doubt a lot of the stress had to do with lockdowns; hard to feel confident in your ability to immigrate when you don't even know when you'll be able to see your girl in person for the first time. I thought it'd never happen. It's now happened twice, with the full support of our parents. I feel like I can do anything, really, and I think Caby's feeling a lot more confident too.

So yeah, I'm missing Wales, but I made it home safe, her and I are on better terms than ever, and we have a much stronger plan going forwards. I'm gonna work on my side of the Atlantic to secure our financial future. By 2030, I'll be in the right country with the girl I love permanently.

I'm gonna go play Red Faction, I think. Check mari@macintosh.garden for some new Cammy content if you're so inclined, and stay tuned for reviews on all the CDs I bought and a deep dive into the Conet boxset on the group blog!